Episode Transcript
Gary (00:00)
Hi, my name is Gary LeBlanc for another episode of quiet the noise with Freddie Gervasi. How are you buddy?
Freddy (00:07)
Doing great, buddy. Thanks for having me. Appreciate it.
Gary (00:09)
Freddie Gervais is the co -creator of soul expansion and we're going to get into, you know, his experiences with Vipassana and really that journey that he's been on for the past few years. which really dug into how getting into quiet, really silencing everything in his life really delivered all the answers he was quote unquote looking for. Right.
And so we'll get into Vipassana and it's, we'll dig into how it's like fasting from the world. I love that concept, but before we get into anything, Freddie, let's get a deep dive into who you are so people get to know you.
Freddy (00:51)
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Again, thanks for having me. I really appreciate that. Appreciate the intro. My background, so I was born an athlete. I played hockey my entire life and I was done playing college hockey down in Boston. I played for Wentworth Institute of Technology down there. And when I was done playing, I was a little lost just trying to figure out what the next steps were, who I was beyond what I did.
and just being able to identify as a hockey player my whole life and then, you know, boom, you know, what are you now? And through that process, I went through the ups and downs of entrepreneurship. I started a cannabis company. I was in real estate for a long time. I operated a company that was kind of like an Airbnb for pro athletes. So a lot of my friends continued to play hockey a lot further than...
I did and were quite more skilled, so they kept on and that network allowed me to do some pretty cool things in the real estate space and also the CBD world, so the non -psychoactive elements of cannabis. So I learned a lot in that process, absolute roller coaster of an industry. So I got my bumps and bruises there.
And then from that whole process, just realizing I didn't have the tools to regulate myself emotionally and just even from a physical level. I was burning out from the physical standpoint and just burning out emotionally as well. So that's when I was looking for answers and that's when meditation became a huge part of my ritual, my process.
And then breath work. Breath work was just that interactive meditation, that ability to create that state of presence, that state of stillness that I was looking for in more of that active capacity. So I really, really took a liking to that. I had my first breath work experience just sitting on the carpet in my apartment here, just watching this YouTube video.
About 45 minutes, that was the first one I ever did. I went hard, I went 45 minutes right out of the gate. And I just had this psychedelic experience and I'm like, what the hell was that? What just happened? And I just went down a rabbit hole from there, ended up signing up to learn how to teach it, mostly just for myself at the time. And then maybe like, I thought, this would be kind of cool for athletes or athletes transitioning from the game, helping them identify who they are.
Gary (03:01)
Jesus.
Freddy (03:26)
outside of what they do. And then from there, it was just kind of a process. Other ship opened up here in Toronto and I was able to guide some classes there. I was able to teach some big scale breath work events like the Sunrise Social with the Unbounded team there and just do some really cool things in the breath work space over the last couple of years and finding a really nice rhythm with it.
And then integrating the sound as well. So I'm a musician, sound healing musician as well, just adding in more sound and sound is an incredible tool to again, like recreate that element of stillness in our lives, allow us to go a little deeper on the emotional level and also just reprogram and restimulate that central nervous system from that state as well. And Soul Expansion has been a natural.
byproduct of all of these beautiful modalities coming together and certain things that I really love coming all under one roof through this whole process of figuring out who I am. And then also just being able to do it with my partner Stella has been something that's really incredible. So just being able to create that step -by -step together, it's pretty cool. And yeah, that's the short and long of it.
Gary (04:43)
Nice, nice, nice. You know, you said a few things. One was emotional regulation. That was a need. So I want to peel that a little bit before we get into the Vipassana. And I want to, I'd like you to really elaborate a little more. So you mentioned emotional regulation, and then you mentioned you were kind of lost. And you you found meditation. I'm just curious, one, how you...
Freddy (04:55)
Yeah.
Hmm.
Gary (05:11)
defined emotional dysregulation for yourself, like what specifically that looked like. Cause I want really for people to be able to connect and kind of understand how you're feeling at the time. yeah. And I'd like to dig in a bit too.
Freddy (05:14)
Mm.
Yes.
Yeah, the first thing that comes to mind there is just this suppressed anger. And I felt like the anger was coming from a place of unactualized potential. I felt like I had this ability to do certain things that I was just not doing. And I was making all the choices around, you know, just basically creating self sabotage in my life. So I wasn't at 100%. So I had an excuse to not be able to do those things.
And then that anger started to come outward and affect my relationships, affect my relationship with my parents, and just really put me into a state of depression and, you know, just, you know, those negative feelings, those, you know, really dark clouds that stick around. And I guess, you know, having the ability to become aware of that in the process.
is a gift. And I think that that's something that's, you know, you really have to go through and your own journey. But if you're around more people that have that level of awareness, it kind of, it's a ripple effect. so I was fortunate enough to, to be around people that had the, this level of awareness that was able to, you know, kind of, ripple off into my world. So I could see those patterns that were just unhealthy and,
Gary (06:54)
Mm -hmm.
Freddy (06:54)
you know, certain ways to regulate my emotion in the past, which resorting to alcohol or resorting to drugs or just being in this, you know, this whirlwind of trying to numb some of the emotions that kept coming up. That's really, you know, how I found like, okay, you know, this is this is not sustainable. This is just not not something that I'm going to be able to continue at. And also, like how much of your potential do you want?
Right? Like I was operating at maybe 65, 70 % of who I could possibly be. And I think that that was a result of just not being able to deal with some of those emotions that were coming up.
Gary (07:33)
Yeah, it's funny. I'm a numbers guy too. And when you say 65, 70%, I get it. But then on the other hand, you're operating at a hundred percent. It's just that there was a lot of friction and noise you had to get through to really, to really, clear that signal. You know, we talked about signal to noise ratio. So you had all this energy being expelled, but it's almost like you have a, you know, you have.
Freddy (07:56)
Yes.
Gary (08:02)
cracks in the windows of your house or there's no insulation, you're just losing too much to this.
Freddy (08:07)
Absolutely. And it's funny you say that because I've always had this vision and I don't know if I heard it somewhere or whatever. It was just a conversation with some friends, but life is kind of like this like moving puzzle, right? And it just continues to expand as your awareness expands. So there's moments of your life where the puzzle is, you know, 70 % full or even 100 % full. And then when it goes from 100 % down to like 60%, that's just your level of awareness growing and you're able to see the picture.
from a better vantage point. So I really appreciate you saying that, because it makes sense. At that time, maybe there was elements of 100 % in that 70%, but as my awareness started to grow, I was able to see, well, OK, this is actually only 70%. And then I see elements of that right now happening in my life. So that makes a lot of sense.
Gary (08:47)
Sure.
Yeah.
You know, I have this life graph, I think I showed you in the past, but it's like, and again, we have to be careful with, you know, being enlightened and being aware. There's really no binary point here, but there's a point where you get past the first mountain and you're in the valley. And, you know, I have that line as this point of inflection where then you poke your head above the water. I use water as kind of the metaphor when you're swimming, you know, it's kind of muffled and you can't see clearly and you poke your head above it and you just become.
more, it's almost like a step change of awareness. It doesn't mean we're enlightened. It just means there's a new step change of awareness where all of a sudden the things that used to matter don't matter anymore. The things that used to fulfill us don't fulfill us anymore. And there's this gap that kind of needs to be filled now, but our old psyche, the way we feel about things has not changed. So from one second to the next, that doesn't change our perception of our lives can change literally overnight.
but how we feel about things, that's a lagging indicator. So that's where I find that gap you were in. I've been in that gap too. And it's just allowing our feelings to catch up with how we want to feel, you know? And it's that dis -ease that's not comfortable.
Freddy (10:09)
Yeah.
Totally, totally. And it's kind of like this warrior mentality of continuing to move forward and move fast and just, you know, continue the fight constantly, right? So when you're constantly go, go, go, we don't allow that stillness to come in. And that's when, you know, the emotions kind of get bypassed and you just compound and build. And then maybe it sticks in the physical body for a little while as well. And it shows up in different areas.
definitely from, from past experiences with hockey, there was some actual physical anguish and then there was some like emotional physical anguish that I was dealing with at the same time.
Gary (10:47)
Yeah, for sure.
These are honestly the physical metaphor is always the best avenue to understand what's happening in our minds. It always is. Like I just think of a muscle. I think of what supports the body, the soft tissue, the bones, the muscle. Everything is a perfect example of what's really happening with our mind. We have our scaffolding, we have the foundation of our mind and we have those connections, right? And then we're kind of flexing those muscles and rewiring the brain. And it's this.
Freddy (10:58)
Totally. Totally. Yes.
Gary (11:18)
It's this new scaffolding that we're creating that takes time, especially when it gets to the real core of who we are. And with you, it was your identity. Your identity was very entrenched. Your ego was very, very entrenched, did not want to move. And now you're in this situation where that's been dissolved and you really, you really have nothing, nothing to support you anymore. and you mentioned getting into meditation. So I'd like to, I'd like to dig into their.
And then really, I want to understand what triggered the Vipassana. Okay, because I knew it was, you know, big point of inflection for you. So from starting to meditate, but really what triggered that Vipassana. So that doesn't happen overnight. That was a tough one.
Freddy (11:51)
Hmm.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So the meditation practice was a combination of just, you know, your, your regular body scan meditations, guided meditations, you know, whatever I could find on like insight timer, a little bit of breath work, stuff like that. And I had this like pulse of, I just wanted to be like, I just wanted to run away. That was like the first, impulse. It was like, I just want to run away from all of this. And I just want to get away from the craziness of what is.
life in general. There wasn't anything specific. It wasn't like, I need to get away from X, Y or Z. It was just like, I just need to go and I just need to be gone for a little while. So there was that, that pulse, that tick. I'm like, what about a road trip? Like, what about like, you know, just getting out? There was a couple of close calls that I did with like some overnight in the, in the woods, in the forest kind of things. So there was, it was on my radar of like just getting away for a little while.
And I kept hearing the word of Vipassana and I'm like, well, what is this? I heard like, you know, a couple of people at other ship were talking about it. And then a couple of friends brought it up. So this word just kept like coming up, coming up, coming up. And I found a good friend of mine, Kadrian, was telling me about the one that he went to in Montreal. And it was just outside of Montreal and a beautiful facility out there.
It's an old school and you're out in the woods and it kind of was the best of both worlds of what I was looking to do. I wanted to just find like a cabin and just go do it myself. And he was explaining this to me and explaining it in a way. So for those of you, I guess I can get into the definition of what it is. So it's a 10 day silent retreat. It's noble silence. So basically you show up on the first day.
Gary (13:46)
Yeah, for sure.
Freddy (13:55)
and they give you an orientation, they give you a meal, and they give you the full rundown of what's going to happen over the 10 -day period. So you're there with about, it was about 60 men, that was in my section, and then the other section on the other side of the school was about 60 women. So they split everybody up, no distractions for that 10 days.
So once they go through the orientation, you get into your first meditation that night, which is just complete silence, no guided elements to it. There's a little bit of mantra -based chanting at the beginning, and then it goes into the full -on meditation, and you're doing it for about two hours, just seated. So talk about those hockey hips being on full effect there. So...
That's the way it starts and then after that first the first night first meditation it goes right into noble Silence you go to sleep and then you start your full 10 days. So it's technically 11 days It's like ten and a half days and then you go into the full 10 day meditation from there So in my mind, you know go getting into that warrior mentality I was like I'm gonna make the first couple days as hard on myself as possible just so I you know can can show up and
create almost like this like relief, like give myself these little treats, these little like goals to hit throughout the entire process. So like, I don't know if this is gross for most people, but I didn't shower for like the first five days. Like that first shower was like my big treat that I was giving myself. The seats, I just had one cushion for the first three or four days. And then as those days got on, just added more.
cushions around. You know, see some of these guys had like a full like king throne set up and everything ready to rock. But it was, it was a hell of an experience and they give you two meals a day. So it's all vegetarian meals. You wake up in the morning at 430 in the morning to a gong, just a massive gong that rings out through this whole space. You get up, you have about two hours, two hours of meditation.
a quick little break and then another hour that you can choose to meditate back in your room or in the back in the space itself, which is the communal meditation area. And then you can go into the cafeteria for breakfast. So there's a massive cafeteria and they set it up all buffet style. So you just walk through and the meals were actually really, really tasty there. I'm not a vegetarian, but
you know that I felt full and good to go even on just two meals there because you're not really expending a ton of energy, right? You're just like more emotional energy and sitting there, you know, going through that whole experience. So you're meditating for about eight hours a day, something like that. So it was quite intense. I think I went through every single thought and every single experience in my life, like replayed those experiences and you know,
the ultimate process for me was I think just going into this experience at odds with myself and then coming out best friends on the other side. Just realizing the specific choices that I've made, why I made those choices and doing the best that I could have possibly done with the information that I had at that time. You know, are there regrets? Sure, definitely. Things that I would have done differently. You know,
selfishly there were a lot of there was a lot of things that I did from a selfish ego standpoint that as you get older I would not make those choices again. So it's just you know little things like that and being a little bit more gentle with myself in that process but also being super critical and being like okay you know these are areas that you do need to improve on but it's okay it's okay that those happen but we're not gonna let that happen again.
So day one for me, so we sleep the first night after orientation, then you wake up the first day, boom, 4 .30 in the morning, you're getting after it, you do your whole meditation process, and I get back to the room that night.
And I just found myself just feeling sorry for myself, like sitting at the end of the bed. Like, this is like a self -inflicted, you know, problem that I'm having, right? Like I chose to be here and I'm just like, poor me. Like I get two meals a day, whatever. Like where's my Americano? Like all these, you know, first world problems and just being like, like a little bitch, to be honest with you. I was just sitting at the end of my bed and I started like going into this like pattern of fear and just, you know,
thinking about like, wow, there's just a curtain separating me from all these other people in here. I didn't do a police check. Did these guys do a police check? You start thinking about all these things. So then I started getting into this like this warrior mode of like, I need to fucking protect myself. Like if anything happens here, I need to be ready. So I just remember sitting at the edge of my bed and just doing this like, just like, just getting into this zone. And that like level of almost like,
you know, strength inspired by fear. I hadn't felt since hockey. You know, when you're kind of going into like that battle, you're playing against guys, you know, for me, I wasn't the biggest player. So I had to kind of like put on and I was a very physical player. So I had to kind of, you know, stand my ground. So that to me was like an autopilot that I didn't even realize I was I was triggering. And it was just this this inner strength that came out.
Gary (19:17)
Mm -hmm.
Freddy (19:40)
And from that moment on, I was like up even before the gong. I was in this warrior just mode of like, you know, I'm, I'm getting the most out of this. I need to do this properly. I need to like, you know, really get into it. And, that fear subsided. It wasn't, I didn't really have that fear for the rest of the experience, but, it definitely tried to creep in, tried to creep in a few times for sure. Day one.
Gary (20:04)
So that was, what was that? The evening of day three. that was day one.
Freddy (20:08)
That was day one. So like eight hours of meditation. I felt like I was there for a full week. I like the first day I felt like I was there for the full week. And then after that, after like that broke, the next couple of days were much more pleasant. And it was just much more of like, I'm here and I'm not, I'm not scared anymore. I'm here for the experience and I'm here for the ride. And
Gary (20:13)
Yeah, no, I get that. Yeah.
Freddy (20:31)
So that was pretty cool. And then there are there is a little bit of like guidance at the beginning with the I guess the master instructor that's there. So there's somebody like actually there that's just saying, you know, five minutes, you know, five minute break, whatever it is, just giving you the rundown. And then there's like the the overhead guy, the guru, I'm drawing a blank on his name right now. But
Gary (20:46)
Sure.
Freddy (20:57)
So he's on the overhead speaker just basically doing the chants and just like getting you into the space. It's very much like a, they don't really call it a Buddhist practice, but it's like very much rooted in Buddhism and that kind of level of stillness. So anyways, so as the week progresses, they integrate new aspects of the meditation. So for the first,
First day, it was just focus on this little triangle, this area of breath coming in through the nose, out through the nose, and just on that little upper lip area. So you'd focus really, you know, closely on that. And you would just like that's, that's your whole thing for two and a half hours each time you're sitting down, however long you're staying, because some people would go back to the room, but you just try to stay in the space for as long as possible. And,
So anyways, so yeah, so that's the first couple days. Then we get into day, I believe it's day three or day four where they actually introduce Vipassana style meditation. So as they're explaining this, they're, you know, it's like, okay, you know, you start at the top and you scan down through the physical body very slowly. So I'm sitting there and I'm just like, the fuck, this is like, it's a body scan meditation. Like, you mean I came all the way here for a body scan meditation? This is nuts.
So anyway, so as they're explaining it and then getting into it, it's much more intense than that. It's much more intentional and a little bit more intense at the same time as well. So you're focusing on like, you know, each and every sensation, but not letting those sensations define that feeling, right? So sometimes you're like, my hip, that's a negative sensation. That's not what you're doing. You're just identifying that sensation and not labeling it whether one way or another. So,
You know, you'd really get into it obviously, two and a half hours. You're, you're like, you're pretty dialed into it. and then just feeling those, those sensations as they come up and they, they arise and go from there. and it is super challenging and this is probably one of the toughest things I've ever done in my life, but also maybe the most rewarding thing I ever, I ever did in my life as well. So there was like this beauty of, you know,
Gary (23:03)
That's challenging.
Freddy (23:18)
pushing yourself past discomfort. And we've talked about that before with like ice baths and all the other, you know, healing modalities that are out there that kind of push that level of discomfort. This is like, like a dull roar of discomfort. That's like a prolonged sense of discomfort for a long time and how you can sit with that in that stillness. So day four, I get back to the room and I'm about to fall asleep and this is like the first, yeah, so it must've been day four.
Gary (23:23)
Mm -hmm.
Freddy (23:47)
This is the first day that like the Vipassana kicked in. And I just start feeling like, this like vibration, this heavy vibration in my like solar plex area. And I'm like, Ooh, like it kind of felt good. It was like, Ooh, what is this? So I'm like, I want more. I want more of that. And it ended up just subsiding. But it was a really incredible feeling in that moment. I'm like, man, this is like, this is what I want. So you keep chasing that.
Gary (24:15)
course.
Freddy (24:16)
little feeling afterwards, go back to the room and this is before bed. So that was kind of late at night. Now I'm sitting in the bed and I'm having like these visions, these like really, you know, psychedelic visions as I'm trying to close my eyes, fall asleep. And they were really like that fear started to creep in again, this like negative emotions, everything was just coming to the surface. So I really felt like that was a purge. It was a clearing of all these things that were.
happening within my body at this time. And all I kept thinking was like, just fall asleep, just fall asleep and it'll all go away. And I woke up the next morning, like elated, like I had a coat hanger in my mouth, just smiling ear to ear, like could not stop smiling. It just felt like this massive release and this massive purge.
And I just remember thinking to myself, like walking around the whole space, I'm like, I'm fucking hilarious. Like I was just making myself laugh, like having all these like inside jokes with myself. And it was, it was pretty, pretty comical. I don't remember any of the jokes right now, but they definitely aren't as funny as, as I thought they were. But like at that time, like no entertainment, like I was just, I was hitting it. I was, I was hilarious.
Gary (25:23)
They probably aren't as funny as you thought they were.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Freddy (25:34)
But anyways, so yeah, so then that was, that feeling was around for the next couple of days. And then I would say day, you know, eight is when it started to get very taxing physically. Day eight was kind of like, okay, you know, I got what I think I needed from this. I'm ready. And then throughout those meditations, I was just getting, you know, super, super clear on what I wanted and super, super clear on.
Gary (25:49)
Yeah.
Freddy (26:00)
the vision and that vision was ultimately sole expansion of what we've created together here today and just that expression of healing modalities intertwined with entertainment. How can we bring that together, recreate the concert experience for your parasympathetic nervous system, so give you that stimulation but also that nervous system bath at the same time and the conception there.
was just getting clearer and clearer on that. And I was just excited to get home after that. I was like excited to implement it and,
The first thing I did when I got back in the car, I just blared one of my own songs that I had recorded. I just put it on full blast and I was just like, man, this is a hit. This is great. It was hilarious because it was the first piece of music that I had heard, right? So anything at that point, it's like when you're fasting and that first bite is like the best food you've ever eaten. So that's what I did with my music. And it...
Gary (26:48)
That's awesome. That's cool.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
Freddy (27:02)
Like it really put me in a fantastic space of like, okay, you know what? You are on the right path here and keep going. And, you know, don't forget that you're going to have these moments constantly, you know, these moments of clarity. And then you're also going to have these moments of unclarity. And it's important to, you know, have these tools close by to reset and, you know, get into this because, you know, living, especially in a city like Toronto, it's noisy. There's a lot of stuff going on.
Gary (27:06)
Mmm.
Freddy (27:32)
not just like noise pollution, but just like just a lot of energy and a lot of, you know, hustle and bustle. So having those moments of stillness, clarity, quieting the noises, like, you know, it's ideal. It's the it's the medicine that I think we all need for certain certain pockets of our lives for sure.
Gary (27:49)
Yeah, it's, it's space we've evolved with. However, we don't have that space anymore. Right. we've evolved to be in periods of silence. You know, our brain didn't evolve to have constant stimulation. So I think it's, it's definitely, it's definitely something we need, I believe, you know, as far as the 10 days and all that, I think when we talk about the fasting, you know, the physical.
fasting from food and what you did, there's so many parallels, right? You know, the first day of fasting from food, you're fighting it, right? You have those patterns, you have those habits of eating in these time windows and that's when you really are hungry, you know? And when you fast from the world, all these stimuli that you're used to, these habitual routines, those are all very present. So the first day is just a lot of storming, right? And that's what fasting is too. And then the second day,
in fasting, you kind of get into a groove similar to what you did. So there's actually a few really cool parallels because you get into a groove then day three. And this is again, my personal experience. They day three, you start to your body's really starving now. So it's almost like a second push to kind of get you to eat, right? It's this, it's kind of full on. And then you overcome that.
And it's kind of like your day four, you know, day four, you said you had that kind of breakthrough. And I think, I think the body physically and fasting, the body kind of gives up a little bit. It knows that it's old tricks aren't going to work on you right now. that's how I kind of visualize it. And I think the brain is the same way. And you know, you said so many things that I don't want to gloss over because it's important. You know,
Freddy (29:22)
Hmm.
Yeah.
Okay.
Gary (29:43)
So let's dig into this quickly and some of your realizations. So you said when you were in your deep meditations, your mind was super busy. And again, people get mistaken. There's a lot of ways to meditate. Sometimes you can meditate to see what's on your mind. It's not always a transcendental meditation. Sometimes I'll go into it and say, OK, what's coming to my mind in these next 10 minutes? And I'm going to pay attention to them.
Freddy (30:00)
Yeah.
Gary (30:10)
You know, you were going through a lot of that. You said you were running through your whole life and you know, you talked about self -compassion, not absolution. So you gave yourself a bit of a pass, not because you accepted that behavior, but because you accepted that that's who you were at the moment. So there's a big difference. So it's self -compassion, but not absolution. You realize absolutely that that wasn't how you should have, want to, or would have been if you would have had to do it over again. Now you mentioned regrets as well.
Freddy (30:37)
Yes.
Gary (30:40)
Now regrets and doing something different are very, very different things. And I feel we mix them up a lot. I don't have, I think it's impossible to have regrets until you start becoming aware. So what I tell people now is if I know something is wrong and I do it knowingly, well, then I'm going to regret that because I knew different.
Wishing I would have done things differently. It's just like what you said, Freddie, you were a different person back then. So having these counterfactuals play out is pointless. So I don't have any regrets because since I became quote unquote aware of my behavior, and again, this isn't a Yogi thing. This is once you start to reflect on your behavior, that's when you're more aware. So it happens the second after you question, why did I do that? How do I want to show up? So.
Freddy (31:19)
Yeah.
Gary (31:30)
When I look at that, I haven't really had any regrets because I have my, you know, I have my character code and all that. And I go into things and I know the consequences of not being the way I want to be. So I just wanted to kind of dig into the regrets piece a bit, because I personally don't think you should have any regrets. It doesn't sound like you do. It just sounds like you would do a few things differently, just like I would.
Freddy (31:55)
Yeah, yeah. And I think where the word regret comes to mind is when you have this, like, like you said, it's almost like a knowingness to do better, but it's almost beyond that. It's like this, this instinct and you don't trust that instinct. It's like a break in integrity of your internal like pulse. And when I don't follow that, I do have a little bit of a regret because it's like you have this knowingness and you don't trust it.
And then that means you just don't trust yourself. And this is like the relationship that I've been trying to rebuild with myself is creating that level of integrity from the ground up and just realizing that, wow, okay, you can't trust the outside world. You can't be in these relationships. You can't do these things unless you have this deep seated trust for yourself. And it comes down to just like those little micro promises, those little micro moves throughout your life.
Gary (32:50)
Exactly.
commitments to yourself.
Freddy (32:54)
commitments to yourself and when I'm out of those, that's when I do have a little bit of that regret. And it's also, you know, understanding that it doesn't have to be perfect, but the restoration of integrity does need to be perfect. If that's the lifestyle that I want to live. And that's something that I'm working on in my daily life as well.
Gary (33:00)
Right.
Yeah, it's look, again, it's not a binary thing. Integrity is not on or off. You know, if we aggregate or integrate the amount of times we have to make these decisions and how many times we quote unquote let ourselves down, you know, a lot of times we don't let ourselves down. I find it's with the, these micro decisions that often let myself down the easiest things to implement.
that are kind of the hardest, because I don't see a consequence to just, you know what, I'll just cheat a little bit here, that's not a big deal. You know, on the other hand, you're not going to murder anybody, right? So you're not doing that. The big things are almost easier. And it's, I find when you really get, I don't know, when you really have that level of personal integrity, which you mentioned, you're going to put more value on those micro decisions than you almost do on the macro ones.
Freddy (33:58)
poorly.
Yeah, yeah. I think you hit the nail on the head with that because that's, it's a lot, it's so easy to say, I'm going to go for a run and then to say, you know what? The run's just not going to happen. There's no consequence. Nobody's, nobody's hurt. You didn't, you didn't hurt anybody, but your internal pulse that, that trust within yourself is going to be like, you're not going on that fucking run, you know? And then the next time it's like, nah, that's not going to happen, you know? And then that voice becomes louder and louder.
and you hear it all the time. You see it all the time of like this, like discomfort when you don't want to do something. That's what you're supposed to do at the most and yada, yada, yada, all that stuff. But it's, you know, there is obviously some deep truth to that. And I think it's, it's beyond just like the, the, the cold plunges are beyond the, the, you know, the big elements is like, it's these little, little things that happen throughout your day.
Gary (34:47)
course.
Yeah, I, I agree. Look, I think we have to focus less on the modality and more on the end in mind of implementing that modality. Like, right. Like cold, hot, fasting. These are all hermesis, hermetic processes, right?
Freddy (35:14)
Absolutely. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it's the integration, right? Because all of this is short living, right? And if you just do it for these certain periods, right? Vipassana, 10 days, that's how long is that gonna last, right? You think like, obviously, there are elements that I can take with me the rest of my life. However, if I'm not constantly integrating the lessons that I've learned, you know, that 10 days is only going to be as good as what it was, right?
And then, you know, two minute, three minute ice bath is only going to be as good as what it is. So I think exactly what you said, the modality, you know, that it's fantastic. However you get there, you get there, but the importance is how do we stay there for as long as possible? And, you know, not only that, how do we, you know, keep arriving to those levels of hormesis? For sure.
Gary (36:10)
Yeah, you know, it's funny, the metaphor that came to mind, it's kind of stupid. You know, like you think of the pioneer days when they were building the railroads and you remember those railroad cars where you used to see those photos of people, one pushing one side, one pushing the other to make go forward. Of course you did. You probably saw it on the road runner. I saw it on the road runner for sure.
Freddy (36:27)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm seeing it in a cartoon form, but I get what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. he's cranking those bad boys. Yeah.
Gary (36:37)
Wiley Coyote was definitely on one of those rail cars. Okay, so just pretend that the Vipassana is all of a sudden you get a big nudge. You get a big nudge. So somebody gives you a big push and you get a lot of speed. But if you don't start pumping yourself, you're going to eventually slow down, right? Because you're going to run out of gas and that inertia will eventually wear out. But that big push got you further than you would have gotten to.
without getting that big push. And I think it's a beautiful metaphor because you're like, okay, maybe I'm at a super physiological or super mental state right now where this step change isn't where I need to be all the time. I'm not gonna do eight hours body scan. However, I'm somewhere below that. But this gave me enough of a nudge to get over that static friction, right?
Freddy (37:09)
100%. Yeah.
Gary (37:37)
and static friction is always the toughest. So, you know, in any part of our life, we have these acute to these gradual stimuli to get us past these blockage points. And I haven't done of a possum. I've done fasting and it's so funny that I use different modalities to stress test my system. And fasting is my mental, mental stress test, my fasting. I'll never kick out of a fast. Like I, I just, there's not an option.
Freddy (37:48)
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
Gary (38:06)
And you chose that as your stress test.
Freddy (38:09)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I went for the full 10 day package there, but it was yeah, and there were moments even before I got there playing that that voice that little like I call it my like little bitch voice right like in there just being like hey, you know, just maybe you can only do three days, maybe you could only do four days. And you know, whatever you're gonna have to go back and tell people that you only did four days or you only did five days. So I kind of use that.
against itself should be like, you know, I need to push past this for, you know, not only just my ego, like using that ego actually for good in that moment to like kind of keep me going. But just, you know, finding ways to love that voice as well and just be like, okay, you know what, you're just trying to protect me in these moments and you're just trying to like...
you know, take care of me because you're a little scared. You know, you're scared that this is going to be intense, that this is going to be too tough. And that was also part of the process as well. You know, dealing with, you know, just meant let's call it mental health, however you want to phrase it. If it's anxiety, if it's depression, whatever you want to put under that umbrella. I wanted to stress test that as well. I wanted to see like when you're really in that setting with just your mind, how are you going to react? Are you going to pull shoot? Are you going to stick it out?
And that was another big, big test for me. So yeah, definitely, definitely that mental test.
Gary (39:39)
You know, it's a, what I'm pulling out to be honest. And I think we've been on a similar type of path in different ways. And I'm a bit older than you, you know, what's 14 years. I think it's 14 years, but, anyway, you know, what I get out of this really is connecting with why we feel so.
It's such an important thing to start to understand, to start to one feel. So this gives you an opportunity to, again, there's no noise. So all we do is see how we feel about things because we're focused on that. So you're seeing how you're physically feeling the body scan. That's what it's all about, man. If you think of your neck right now, you're eventually going to get a pain in your neck. It's guaranteed and it's guaranteed to introduce discomfort.
Freddy (40:30)
Yeah.
Gary (40:35)
Because when there's a lot of noise, we can't parse anything out. But when we focus on one specific area, all of a sudden we start to get those nooks and crannies. And it really is about, OK, I'm showing you something. How do you feel about it? And what are you going to do? And over and over and over again. And here's a stupid example, dude, as far as why we feel. So last night we had this board meeting. And it wasn't a company board meeting. It was a stupid condo board meeting. Like nothing could be.
less important to me in the grand scheme of life. But there was a reason. There was a bully in the building and they were going around trying to get something changed and they bully, they bully, they bully. And I'm like, I'm going to go to this meeting. There's no way anybody's going to bully me around, right? That's a board meeting in a condo. So I get there and honestly, brother, I'm not kidding. My adrenaline,
Freddy (41:08)
Yeah, pretty dry. Yeah.
Cheers.
Gary (41:33)
And my cortisol must have been at like, I'd say super physiological levels like I hadn't had in a year. Like I was vibrating and it wasn't really angry because I was talking to myself the whole time. Like I wish I, it's kind of like there was this show where you would always hear the kid narrate to himself. I forget what it was called. It's an old show, but anyway, that's me. So I'm narrating and honestly, dude,
Freddy (41:41)
Yeah.
Gary (42:01)
I'm in this like dry room with a bunch of older people, like the average age was 70 and here I am like vibrating, not angry, but so anyway, I started having a conversation with myself and I people are probably listening saying this guy's fucking whacked. so I'm listening to myself. I'm like, Gary, what the fuck, man? You're literally in a room with, you know, there's no danger here. There's no, you're not angry, but you're vibrating.
Freddy (42:07)
Yeah.
Gary (42:29)
And I started to have a conversation. I started to say, okay, why am I feeling this way? Okay, what's the trigger? And I'm like, could it be that it's a bully? And I'm fucking sick of bullies. And when I was a kid, I stuttered and all this stuff. It could have been like, we'll never be able to put our finger on it. But I'm like, it was bizarre. It was completely, completely bizarre. And I vibrated basically until bed, like, and this was at seven o 'clock and
I still had super physiological levels of adrenaline in my system at 1030. So anyway, the point being, when we start to ask why we feel certain ways, I'm telling you the reflection, and I know it sounds stupid, but the integration after that moment is super valuable because it brought something up where I know in these situations, I got to condition myself to be ready for those feelings coming up because they're still very strong.
Freddy (43:22)
Wow. Yeah, absolutely. Like I think identifying, identifying the triggers, you know, understanding where they're coming from sometimes too, allows us to just process it, especially like, I know you're, you're, you're a very methodical guy. You're very intellectual. You're, you're at that process where, you know, if you understand it, it's way easier for you to implement. And then combining that with.
feeling as well of actually tapping into how this is making me feel. Now that's a, you know, match made in heaven. So now you're able to create those tools to enter into that situation again. And you're able to bring, you know, the emotional intelligence in there, along with, you know, some of the understanding and the intellectual intelligence as well. And I think that that's the goal in so many areas of life. And, and it's just going to...
brace us for that impact because you know, we didn't have these tools when we were eight years old, you know, nine years old, whatever it was, whenever we go through these intense experiences in our lives that, you know, maybe allow for those triggers to happen at various points throughout our adulthood, right? So I think, you know, being able to go back to that combining our, you know, intelligence and our emotional intelligence.
That's a really powerful piece there that you mentioned. I love that.
Gary (44:45)
Yeah, look, it's, you know, I know people are going to be listening saying, well, you've missed the point, Gary. It's not about intellectualizing these things. It's about just being, you know, they're, they're summoning their inner Eckhart and I get it. Right. I get it. Of course. I wish I could just be, but I'm not there yet. Right. I have moments.
Freddy (45:05)
Yeah. And you know what, like, maybe it's both like, I, you know, I've, I've wrestled with like this, like, complete surrender, you know, and gone into those spaces before, and also with, you know, the do do do, and I kind of like doing, you know, like, I like it. And I think if, you know, I'm in this space where I have a little bit of the B, you know, combined with the do.
I think that that's the perfect balance, at least for me. And everybody's got their own level of be and do and how far they want to go into it. Right. There's a level of surrender for everyone and there's a time to surrender and there's a time to fucking let's go, you know? And I think that for me, finding out what that is, that's been a big theme of mine over the last little bit. Cause there are elements where I'm like, okay, you got to chill. You got to just like,
Gary (45:43)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Freddy (45:54)
There's so much out of your control right now that you just need to fall into it and be. But then there's also elements where it's like, okay, you know what? Now is not the time to surrender. When enemies are at your gates or we can use whatever metaphor we want in those settings, it's not the time to lay down. There's pulses that are telling you to fight. And I think we have to trust those pulses beyond just certain things that we're told.
Gary (46:23)
that are dictated. Yeah, exactly. Dogma. I co I totally agree. It's a yin yang situation. It's a where you're starting situation. You know, look, you're dealt a hand, right? I can't change that hand. I can't all of a sudden be the Buddha tomorrow, there's going to be certain programming that it is going to be way too much noise and friction for me to approach it a different way. But to your point, there are moments where it's less triggering where I can just be right and I force myself and I can just be and I
Freddy (46:25)
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
Gary (46:52)
I try to do the things to detach and to give myself that opportunity. But I agree with you. I think it's that judgment. And again, this is such a high wire act, right? It's having compassion for yourself without absolving yourself of the fact that you want to evolve. I find, especially in the community that you're very steeped in, I'm steeped in peripherally, but you're very steeped in, Freddie, and I'm sorry.
Freddy (47:19)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Gary (47:20)
It has a lot of there's a huge lack of integrity in a big part of that community as well. So it's such a it's such an irony that that community should be the most truly compassionate, not absolution for the sake of letting themselves off the hook. But there's a lot of virtue signaling, I find there's a lot of people just wanting to be part of a community. And that's fine. I'm not necessarily judging that. But for me, it's kind of missing the point. So I could see and we'll finish with this.
I could see navigating that cause I know you, I think. and I appreciate talking to you. I'm not saying this in a patronizing way. I find your, your level of awareness is, you know, I wish I was that aware when I was your age. and it seems really, really authentic. and I know you fairly well. So knowing you and knowing your level of quote unquote awareness.
Is there any friction in what you're doing? Like, is there any friction in who you're with? Like, be honest about how that feels.
Freddy (48:29)
Constantly, I think there's friction even with myself. It's very easy to say and hard to do, right? In so many different ways, especially when you're a quote unquote facilitator, right? When you're trying to lead, you want to lead by example, and sometimes that example is very, very hard to follow and to follow at.
a 10 out of 10 every single day, right? So being authentic with that, you know, that's the trick, I feel like. That's, you know, the ability to be vulnerable, but also still have that strength and still be that pillar that people can turn to as well. Because, you know, I've talked about this before, but like when you go...
over the line with vulnerability, you kind of lose that level of strength and that level of leadership that maybe you're needing. And I talked about this more so from a partnership standpoint, but I think that that's the case in leading a group as well. So I do see why there is this like friction in just the space as well, just let's call it the spiritual community or whatever community you want to call it. But I do believe deep down that every single person is doing the absolute best they can.
and there are going to be spaces where they fall short. And as long as they can restore integrity when that space is not being stepped into, that's all that matters to me because there's gonna be a lot of misses. There's misses in my life constantly. And even in the stuff that we're trying to accomplish right now.
There's certain things that I've said that I want us to do and we haven't been able to hit. And in that case, like I feel out of integrity. As long as I can restore that integrity and be the man that I need to be, then you know what? All the other stuff is just noise, right? So I do believe that there is some accountability that's needed across the board. And I think within that accountability, you know, the way I see it is if you spread yourself too thin, it's very hard to be,
Gary (50:29)
Mm -hmm.
Freddy (50:43)
at that level of integrity and accountability across the board. So for me, it was go down to a singular focus so that you can be A1. And I'll give you an exact example for that. I was doing a lot of men's circles and I wasn't able to show up for these men to my standard at the level that I thought I was supposed to show up. And I had to step away because there's, you know, who am I to lead these men where I can't, you know,
give them my full attention and give them everything that they need in this space. So I think having the courage to step away from certain opportunities, if you can't be your, you know, within full integrity, if you can't be completely accountable in those moments, you have to, you have to respectfully bow out. And I think that that's, you know, that, that would be the one thing I would change in this space is, you know, people trying to do too many things.
for too many people and then eventually burning themselves out and not being able to show up at that level that they need to. And especially if you're gonna hold that torch and try to lead.
Gary (51:50)
Yeah, no, I really appreciate that. You know, we are all doing the best we can and probably that, you know, that cognitive dissonance in that community is more because people want to be a certain way and we're all coming from different places. So it's going to be, it's going to be everybody's journey. And I do love that we're doing the best we can. Everything will happen as it should.
Freddy (52:06)
Yeah.
Gary (52:16)
And regardless of people's intentions, be it ego driven or truly intrinsically driven, any exposure to what you guys are doing is probably going to be a good thing. You know, the, the fly wheel of being around that sort of energy will, you know, almost by us Moses helped them, helped them get there.
Freddy (52:35)
Exactly. You know, the more of this and the way of, I call it like the old world, the old way of being entertained and things of that are slowly starting to shift. And I don't mean completely eliminated, but definitely shift into a more conscious mindset. And I know that word's been used and kind of beat down in multiple ways, but I just mean more aware, right? Like just more like intentional with...
the way that we express ourselves, the way that we entertain ourselves, the way that we appreciate our friends, our family, all of these things is just coming down to a little bit more intentionality behind it. And I think that the more you get into these modalities, it allows you just to have those spaces of stillness to realize, okay, I could be doing this, I could be doing that. And the more people doing it, the better. I say, do it, do it.
Gary (53:13)
Mm.
Freddy (53:28)
you know, obviously, you know, have that integrity alongside. The ego is always going to be there. The ego is there for me. It's there when I want to have the best experience possible for the people. I don't think that's a negative ego to have. I think that that's great because I want to give people the best experience possible. But if that ego starts to slip in and I make it about myself and I make it, Freddie needs to have the best experience possible and Freddie needs to be this and he needs to be that.
That's when it starts to get a little dicey and a little further removed because even when I look at sole expansion, sole expansion is not about me.
Gary (54:00)
Yeah.
Freddy (54:06)
It's not about Stella. It's not about the band. It's about the people that come through and have their experience. And it is, and I know it's like, this is a cliche. It's nothing without the people that come through. But I mean that at such a deep level because it changes the experience. If you have people that are genuinely there to better themselves and they sing along and they're, they're, you know, in the space and they're like part of it, it is an incredible experience and it's felt and it's felt across the board. So the people that are coming to this,
are just as much a creator of this experience as we are. And we realize that. So we know that, you know, our community is a massive part of what this is. And we just want to give back in whatever way we can. We also have to eat. We also have to, you know, sustain and get by. So obviously, there's got to be a monetary exchange in that capacity. But at the end of the day, like we, I'll be doing this for the rest of my life. I know that at this point.
Gary (55:02)
That's cool, dude. Yeah. You know, I remember when you were ruminating and trying to figure out the path and I remember one text and we'll finish with this. I remember one text and I think it was along the lines of, you know, things went well, you know, we'll see. You know, I said, right now, it's just a question of math. You know, you just keep doing it. It's a certainty now. So it's just rinse and repeat. And I think it's.
Freddy (55:06)
Yeah.
Gary (55:30)
It's obviously not what I said, Sunkin, but obviously that's how you think that it is a certainty now. And it's just, it's just basically one step in front of the other. And I feel the same way with what I'm doing with Quiet the Noise. I've said to you a million times and really, you know, we could talk, you know, this should be a part one, part two thing because there's a lot here, but you know, we always get into the weeds and, you know, today I wanted to talk about the Vipassana as far as fasting.
Freddy (55:43)
Yes.
Gary (56:00)
you know, in terms of that same metaphor. And I thought that was a real, you know, a real way for people to connect. we had, our friend Zach on a little bit ago and he mentioned, conscious consumption. So maybe what we're talking about here is conscious leisure, you know, not conscious entertainment. It's like conscious leisure. How are we spending our time? It's not work, leisure, conscious play, almost something like that. that you really ended up in.
Freddy (56:11)
I did.
Gary (56:28)
once you came out of that Vipassana and I love it. Yeah.
Freddy (56:32)
Absolutely, you know, and it's actually so funny because initially our company was called Conscious Concerts. So that was the idea behind it was like this conscious concert and not just concert from a musical standpoint, this concert with each other, this give and receive and this play. And so, yeah, nail on the head there, absolutely. And I always appreciate our chats both, you know, while it's recording and while it's not, we've...
Gary (56:40)
That's cool.
Mm -hmm. Sure.
That's awesome.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Freddy (57:00)
We've had some deep chats and I've felt like you've always been a great friend and a great mentor and this has been fantastic, brother. So thank you so much.
Gary (57:09)
thanks dude. Me too, man. You know, I'm blessed to have a lot of great conversations. You know, know, Zach and I have a bunch of other good friends who are in the weeds and this perspective is it's gold. It's gold. Like it's so gold because it just fuels what you know is what you're going to be doing for the rest of your life. So I'm having a baby in a month. So, you know, that's going to be, that's going to be an interesting step change in my consciousness and going into it.
Freddy (57:19)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Congratulations, brother.
Gary (57:39)
host these types of conversations is going to be super, super cool. And look, I'm not going to be intellectual about having a baby. I'm going to feel all the feels, that's for sure. But there's going to be some reflection after. That's for sure, man. That's for sure. Well, thanks, Freddie. People can find you at...
Freddy (57:44)
to it.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
freddy sounds on Instagram, just f -r -e -d -d -y sounds. That's probably the best bet. You can see all the stuff for Soul Expansion on there. You can follow my beautiful partner Stella on there as well. She's got a bunch of stuff going on. And yeah, we're excited. We're excited over the next little while. And also if anybody listening to this wants to just reach out and chat, I love having conversations and just whatever I can do to help, I'm always there.
Gary (58:00)
Okay, cool.
Awesome brother. Okay. Well, I'm Gary LeBlanc for another episode of quiet the noise with Freddie Gervaisi. Take it easy, brother.
Freddy (58:33)
Thank
